In this article, I will be sharing insights on ego management for building real confidence. These insights are inspired by the book Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday. Mastering the skill of managing the ego not only helps you build real confidence but also genuine connections, excel in what you do, and find true happiness.
What is ego?
If ego is the voice that tells us we are better than we really are, we can say ego inhibits true success by preventing a direct and honest connection to the world around us.
Ryan Holiday (Ego is the Enemy)
In this book, Ryan Holiday defined ego as an unhealthy belief in our own importance to keep us comfortable. However, ego doesn’t always show up as arrogance. It can also show up in a completely different form as comparison and attaching our worth to external validations. Because we are less likely to be arrogant as introspective people, this article is more about managing ego for overcoming comparison and the feeling of not being good enough. As a result, you will also be building real confidence along the way.
1. Focus on Yourself (stop comparison)
Just one thing that keeps ego around – comfort. Pursuing great work – whether it is in sports or art or business – is often terrifying. Ego soothes that fear.
Ryan Holiday (Ego is the Enemy)
If we think about it, almost all of our negative experiences related to other people have something to do with ego. These include jealousy, fear of failure, and having low self-worth. If we look closely at them, they all have something in common: comparison. But what does this have to do with ego? Comparison creates an illusion that we are ahead of others without doing the work to actually move forward (ego is there to keep us comfortable).
We feel jealous because we comapre our abilities and blessings to that of other people. We are afraid of failing because we see failing as other people’s abilities being better than ours. We cannot see our worth because we think other people have it better or worse than us. We cannot properly see our worth if our mind is always occupied by what other people have or what they are doing. Therefore, the best way to overcome this is to focus on yourself. I have several articles dedicated to this. These articles include dealing with failure and rejection, dealing with jealously and comparison, mastering self-discovery, and building unconditional self-worth. Feel free to check them out after reading this article.
Actionable Step
When finding yourself in a comparison spiral, try changing your mindset to instead think about what can you learn from the experience. You can also think about what does this experience say about you. The key is to stop looking at other people and start looking at yourself.
🖋 Journaling Prompts
- What is my thought pattern when I find myself comparing myself to other people?
- What triggers my comparison? Is there another mindset approach to this?
- What does this experience or my reaction say about me?
- What thoughts or mantras can I repeat to pull my focus back to myself?
- What actions can I take to actually improve my situation instead of comparing myself to other people?
2. Winning is Not Enough (winning doesn’t necessarily mean being our best self)
Winning is not enough. People can get lucky and win. People can be assholes and win. Anyone can win. But not everyone is the best possible version of themselves.
Ryan Holiday (Ego is the Enemy)
As mentioned earlier, one of the ways ego might show up is by attaching our inner worth to external achievements. This is because ego stems from insecurity, so it constantly needs external validation to feel good enough. We can feel ego’s presence when wanting to be recognized for our effort, wanting to be praised for our work, or wanting to be the spotlight. However, this doesn’t mean it’s wrong wanting win but to care less about the final outcome.
In other words, to judge ourselves based on our own standards. Instead of asking: Did I won? Did people recognize me for my effort? Did they think I did a good job? Ask: Did I did my best? Did I learn something from it? Have I done it better than the previous time? This creates so much freedom because now we are the one in control. We are the one who decides how we feel and obtain from the experience despite the final outcome.
Actionable Step
Before participating in a contest or project, think about how you will evolve from this experience, even if you ended up losing the contest or if people didn’t validate your efforts. What is something you learned regardless of external validations?
🖋 Journaling Prompts
- If I ended up losing the contest, what are the things I got out of this experience despite the final outcome?
- Am I proud of myself for the work I did even if people didn’t validate my efforts?
- What did I learn from this experience? Did I get better at what I do? Did my communication skills improve after working on this project? (Write down every aspect you evolved from the experience)
3. Approach Everything with a Mindset to Learn (everyone has something to learn from)
Learn from everyone and everything. From the people you beat, and the people who beat you, from the people you dislike, even from your supposed enemies.
Ryan Holiday (Ego is the Enemy)
Another great way to overcome ego is to approach everything with a student mindset. Confucius, a famous ancient Chinese Philosopher, spoke about the importance of learning from other people. “When traveling with 2 others, I always see them as my teacher. I learn from their merits, and look at their faults as an example to improve myself.” This goes to show that everyone has something to learn from. Everyone has something special to offer.
You can make more friends in 2 months by becoming interested in people than you can in 2 years by trying to get people interested in you.
Dale Carnegie (How to Win Friends and Influence People)
People’s past experiences might be the key to overcome our current challenge. Therefore, instead of comparison, we should be curious about other people because they have so much to teach us! I’ve had multiple experiences when possible solutions to problems I have been facing popping up because of what someone else said to me during a casual conversation. This mindset not only takes ego out of the equation but also allows us to form genuine connections with amazing people. This is because people are naturally drawn to those who are interested in them, making this a win-win situation.
Actionable Step
When meeting someone new, try asking yourself: What can I learn from this person? Be genuinely interested in them because they have so much to offer.
🖋 Journaling Prompts
- How is this person different from me in terms of the way he or she thinks?
- How does this person approach situations I find challenging? What is their mindset?
- What are the mindsets or habits I can learn from this person?
- What parts of myself did I see in this person that I can work on?
4. Practice Meditation (guided ego meditation)
Silencing the noise around them, they could finally hear the quiet voice they needed to listen to.
Ryan Holiday (Ego is the Enemy)
Since ego is highly based on the external world, a great way to silence it is by practicing meditation. Meditation allows us to retrieve our focus back from the external world back to our internal state. For this, I recommend doing a guided meditation on ego. You can search “ego meditation” on Youtube, but I highly recommend doing this one. This meditation granted me peace of mind when I was struggling the most with jealousy and comparison.
This ego meditation uses visualization to help your subconscious mind understand how ego is holding you back from success and experiencing true happiness. It also gives you a rough idea of how the mind is like without ego, where everything is bright, cyrstal clear, and in harmony with each other.
Actionable Step
Start practicing meditation after waking up before bed. You can search it up on Youtube, or try the one I mentioned here.
5. Practice Gratitude (connect to a higher power)
A grateful heart is a magnet for miracles.
unknown author
If we think about it, there are so many blessings in our lives that we took for granted. The fact that we have a whole healthy body, a roof over our head, access to clean water and food that nourishes our body, and the list goes on. These things are out of our control, we didn’t made them happen, we just have them.
This is why it is so important to connect to a higher power. To recognize not every part of our success or blessings has everything to do with us. We need a lot of help from external forces to get to where we are today, as well as to achieve our dreams. By being grateful for what we already have, we are connecting to a higher power that is going to lead us to foward in a way that we can’t achieve all on our own.
Actionable Step
Write down 3 things you are grateful for at the end of the day. Write down every detail about the experience and why you felt grateful about it. This can be something as small as the wonderful weather, the fact that you went to the gym despite the urge to skip it, or something kind a stranger said to you at the cafe, and list goes on. No matter how bad the day went, you can always find something to be grateful for.
🖋 Journaling Prompts
- What are 3 things I am grateful for today?
- Why do I feel grateful about it?
- Write down every detail about the things you are grateful for.
- What are 3 things in life I took for granted?
Hope this helps! Thank you so much for reading! If you find this interesting, make sure to check out the original book. You can find it here. Wishing you the best on your self-development journey.
