In this article, I will be sharing 5 lessons I learned from the book Stillness is the Key by Ryan Holiday with wisdom from ancient Chinese Daosim. These lessons are all about navigating modern life with peace and detachment.
As a part of this modern society, we are constantly surrounded by external noises that keep us from enjoying life and fulfilling our potential. Most of our worries such as seeking external validation, comparison, basing our worth on external achievements, taking things personally, or worrying about other people’s opinions all stem from the negative influence of those external noises. However, by achieving a peaceful mind, we are building a strong mental foundation that makes us immune to those influences. This allows us to approah all kinds of stressful situations with peace and detachment. I hope that these lessons will help you achieve this + build a life filled with love and peace. Remember that the journey is just as freeing as the destination.
1. Be Open-minded (Seek Wisdom)
Socrates, the wisest person considered in history was know to proclaim his lack of wisdom and is always willing to be proven wrong. This contrasts with most people, who easily spot others’ mistakes but overlook their own due to perception biases. Therefore, the best way to seek wisdom is to let go of our opinions and keep an open mind. This allows us to accumulate wisdom from different people, experiences, and situations.
If we think about it, most of life’s turbulences stem from the fact that we can not afford to be proven wrong or for things not going our way. These turbulences often show up as sentences with the phrase “have to.” For example, “I have to right about this”, “After all the effort I made, I have to win this contest”, “I have done so much for them, they have to like me”. When these perceptions get proven wrong in reality, they create massive turbulences such as shame, guilt, loneliness, and self-doubt. By replacing these “have to” perceptions with an open mind ready to accept and learn, we invite peace and wisdom. Even if it can be painful to be proven wrong, the peace and wisdom that comes with it is priceless.
Wisdom is a sense of the big picture, the accumulation of experience and the ability to rise above the biases, the traps that catch lazier thinkers.
Ryan Holiday (Stillness is the Key)
Actionable step
Next time when you caught yourself thinking the “have to” phrase, ask yourself: “How can I let go of my preceptions and approach this with an open mind instead?”
2. Stop Wanting to be the Best (Find Confidence, Avoid Ego)
Wanting to be the best is actually coming from ego, a lack of confidence. When we think about being the best, we are usually thinking about receiving loads of compliments and validations from the outside, rather than what’s happening on the inside. This is exactly what ego does: craving external validation to compensate for the lack of internal confidence. Again, not receiving those external validations will create painful turbulences that steer us away from stillness and joy. Another danger of ego is its illusion of superiority, which stops us from improving or moving forward.
Therefore, the best way to overcome ego and build true confidence is to shift our focus inward. This creates so much peace because we are shifting our focus from what we can’t control to what we can control. It is like cutting the invisible strings that have been pulling us through life like a puppet. So instead of wanting to be the best, think about how we can get the most out of the experience, how we can better our skills to solve problems more effectively, what mindset or tools have we gained that will get us closer to our goals. By detaching from external validations, we are building confidence and getting closer to achieving a peaceful mind.
Confidence is the freedom to set your own standards and unshackle yourself from the need to prove yourself.
Ryan Holiday (Stillness is the Key)
Actionable step
Next time you catch yourself being controlled by ego, whether it’s seeking admiration or trying to reshape the narrative to highlight your accomplishments, don’t feel ashamed. Remember, this happens to all of us. Try shifting your thoughts from the outside to the inside, focus on encouraging and bettering yourself. I promise that you will feel much better afterwards.
3. Appreciate How Far You Have Come (Enough)
Zhuang Zhi, an ancient Chinese Daoism philosopher, emphasized this in his book that, similar to our desires, our thirst for knowledge is also infinite. This thirst for knowledge is not just about academics but also about wanting to move forward in life, such as working harder in order to get a promotion, studying harder to get good grades, consuming self-help content to become a better version of yourself. However, if we use our finite life to chase something infinite, we are bound to get burnt out. Therefore, we should start implementing the concept of “enough” and be grateful for what we already have or achieve. This generates so much stillness because we are not constantly anxious about looking for the next big thing to achieve.
A common problem in self-development is the constant urge for improvement, leading people to consume self-help content endlessly but fail to take action, frustrated by unmet milestones. That’s why it’s crucial to slow down, appreciate how far we’ve come, and realize that not achieving something yet doesn’t mean we are lacking. We can always grow and improve, but it must come from knowing we are already enough.
Actionable step
Take a moment to appreciate how far you have come in your self-development journey. Write down everything you used to be afraid of doing or felt insecure about, but are no longer afraid of or insecure about today. Compliment or treat yourself for coming this far, you deserve this.
4. Manage Your Emotions (Conquer Your Anger)
Emotions are very damaging to the body. I watched a video on YouTube about a 29-year-old woman with terminal cancer hosting a living funeral, where she spent time with loved ones before passing. Despite her condition and hearing how grateful they were to have known her, she remained remarkably calm. At first, I was confused by her composure, but then a professor from one of my online courses explained that emotions can be damaging to the body. While we might not notice it now, if we were seriously ill, we’d realize that our bodies can’t afford even the smallest bit of emotion in such a state. This highlights the importance of emotional control and how damaging strong emotions can be to our health.
I have a whole article dedicated to processing emotions in a healthy way. But I want to talk more about feelings of anger, which is one of the intense emotions we can experience. When it comes to anger, a great way to shift our perspective is to realize we might be in the same position as the person we’re angry at. If that’s the case, how would we want to be treated? Thinking this way has helped me manage anger by reframing it as an opportunity to practice compassion and kindness. This brings in peace, as we’re not overwhelmed by intense emotions, creating space for a clearer, and more peaceful mind.
Actionable step
Next time when you are experiencing anger, remember that you might be in the exact position as the person you are angry at. How do you want to be treated if that is the case? You can also make it a challenge to stop reacting to your emotions for a period of time, and watch how peaceful you felt afterwards!
5. Empty the Mind (Key to Everything)
An empty mind is the final goal to achieving a peaceful mind. With an empty mind, everything around us become inspirations. Random words from strangers, classmates, or coworkers can be the key to problems that have been troubling us for a long time. Zhuang Zhi, an ancient Chinese Daoism philosopher, spoke about how an empty mind radiates pure brightness that not only cleanses the mind and the body but also pours life into its surroundings. In other words, clearing the thoughts in our mind not only brings peace and clarity but also has the power to positively impact our surroundings.
Maybe this might sound quite weird but I think we all had the experience when the more detached we are to something or someone, the more abundance flows to us. For example, I realized that the less I care about making friends in college, the more meaningful my friendships become. Without those thoughts and intentions, we start to operate from a place to simply give, which is where the abundance starts flowing.
A simple way to achieve this is to go to sleep because it directly turns off our mind. Unfortunately, we aren’t always allowed to go to sleep, not to mention during stressful situations. Therefore, an advanced approach is to become an observer of our thoughts rather than engaging with them. This process isn’t easy, so we should start small and gradually work toward the goal of non-reactivity. It’s also crucial not to be too hard on ourselves when we do react. Remember, the ultimate goal is to create a life filled with love and peace, where we can share that same energy with others.
Actionable step
Next time when you catch yourself overthinking, worrying, or second-guessing something, try to take a step back (go to sleep) and observe those thoughts without reacting. I recommend using a guided meditation if you need help with this. Solutions or breakthroughs usually emerge after emptying the mind. We just need to trust the process.
Hope this helps! Thank you so much for reading! If you find this interesting, make sure to check out the original book. You can find it here.
